


Bending the Rules

by searider_Falcon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Secret Sex, Sort of AU since this stuff doesn’t happen in the show but totally should have, kind of out of character but I don’t care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:45:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searider_Falcon/pseuds/searider_Falcon
Summary: This is an after Coda fic that leads us all the way to Endgame. J and C explore...things. Complete with angst and confusing feelings but there are some bright spots and a happy ending.





	Bending the Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly these situations don’t happen in canon but my love for J/C is undying!! I feel like this isn’t my best work (my self doubt says I’m losing my touch) but I needed a J/C fix.

After her brush with death, Kathryn Janeway felt perfectly content as she sat next to her first officer on the holodeck and enjoyed a recreation of moonlight sail on Lake George. She stared up at the holographic sky, as Chakotay finished off the last of the champagne. 

“Do you ever think about your first love, Chakotay?” 

Kathryn asked, eyeing him as he looked at her surprise.

“Not often,” he replied. 

“What was she like?” 

“Why do you want to know?”

Kathryn shrugged, “Just curious.” 

Chakotay smiled, “Well, I was fifteen. I was caught staring at her several times while I was in school.” 

“Was she beautiful?” Kathryn asked. 

“She was,” said Chakotay. 

“Tell me about her,” Kathryn said.

After a moment, Chakotay leaned back, stretched out his legs, then said, “I remember she was very good at math but as that’s when I was always caught staring at her, I fell behind. Sometimes, when I worked up the courage, we’d talk about our favorite places to hike in the forest nearby.”

Chakotay laughed, lost in memory, “She used to braid her hair sometimes.” 

“What happened between you too?” Kathryn asked.  
“Nothing,” said Chakotay. 

“Nothing?” said Kathryn, perplexed. 

“She was more interested in an older boy in my tribe. You know, I think she ended up marrying him.” 

“Did that upset you?” asked Kathryn. 

“No, I moved on by then. What about you?” 

“Me?” Kathryn said, now unsure if she should answer. 

“You asked me about my first love, what about yours? Fair is fair,” said Chakotay teasingly. 

Kathryn shot him a look, “It was Mark, actually.” 

She remembered how she and Mark had known each other since they were children. She loved him then, grew up, moved on, fell in love with Justin, and then ended up back with Mark.

“Your fiancé,” said Chakotay in recognition. 

Kathryn paused. The way he said it made Kathryn wonder why Chakotay never asked about him. They were friends after all. As she thought about it, Kathryn rarely brought up Mark in conversation herself and come to think of it, she had moved his photo from her ready room. Maybe Chakotay felt that she didn’t want to talk about him, so that’s why he never brought him up. It certainly was reasonable, given her behavior. The fact that she didn’t talk about Mark was complicated. 

At first she chalked it up to being too painful to think about their forced separation when Voyager was thrown into the Delta quadrant, but it was more than that now. Half the time Kathryn didn’t want to bring up Mark and the other half, he wasn’t in her thoughts at all. Not to mention, she had a gut feeling that Chakotay wanted to avoid the topic of her fiancé. Thinking of Mark was a battle which Kathryn fought numerous times in her head. Years ago, she made a promise to Mark. Agreed to an engagement because her heart said that’s what she wanted and yet, here she was, on a moonlight sail, complete with champagne, with another man, and she was enjoying every minute of it. She could call it romantic. But that’s not what this was. Was it? She intended it to be a celebration of her triumph over a malicious alien being and death itself. However with the champagne and the company, it wasn’t as simple as a celebration. It felt romantic and to make it even more confusing, she had suggested it. 

“Kathryn?”

Kathryn was jerked from her thoughts. She must have been quiet for too long. Chakotay was looking at her with a curious expression on his face. 

“Sorry,” she said, patting his arm, “Lost in thought.” 

“Anything you want to talk about?” Chakotay asked.

Kathryn shook her head, “It’s nothing important.”

“If bringing up Mark was too painful…” said Chakotay. 

“It isn’t,” Kathryn said quickly. 

Chakotay simply looked at her, waiting for her to continue. 

“You know, it’s funny. I don’t really think about him that often,” said Kathryn. 

She looked at Chakotay expecting him to look surprised but when she looked at him, he looked thoughtful, as if carefully deciding what to say. 

“Does that bother you?” he asked. 

Kathryn thought for a moment. Mark was her fiancé, she should be thinking of him more often than she did, it should have bothered her, but recently her thoughts centered around Chakotay. After her brush with death she wanted to see Chakotay. Maybe it was what she experienced and what she saw on that planet; Chakotay’s desperate pleading when she lay dying in his arms stuck with her powerfully but it was because they were friends, right? Her thoughts of him were friendly, of course. Professional. At least, that’s what she kept repeating to herself. Especially after New Earth. 

“I don’t know,” Kathryn finally answered. 

“Being out here has changed all of us. It’s okay to…” 

Chakotay said, but he trailed off and looked out to the holographic lake. The boat made small ripples in the water, cascading out and distorting the moonlight into wavy lines on the water’s surface. When he didn’t continue, Kathryn’s curiosity got the better of her.

“What?” she said, placing her hand on his arm again. 

She let it rest there, as a sign of encouragement.  
Chakotay looked down at her hand. 

“To move on,” he said. 

His eyes met hers and Kathryn slowly removed her hand from his arm. Chakotay seized her hand gently and held it in his. The two of them looked at their joined hands. Hers was so small and delicate compared to his. Kathryn raised her gaze and their eyes locked.  
To move on. 

The words hung in the air between them. Surely, that wasn’t her intention when she invited him to this outing, and yet…

Chakotay was the man who sobbed her name as she died in his arms, who didn’t try to hide his anguish when he made contact with the ship and notified Voyager of her condition. Kathryn wasn’t sure if what she saw was all in her head or an actual out of body experience but it felt real. All of it. Including how powerfully she was impacted by Chakotay’s intense reaction. If it was all in her head, what did that tell her about her perception of Chakotay? Or how she felt?  
Chakotay was her best friend. But so was Tuvok. She could have just as easily contacted Tuvok to join her tonight and the company would have been just as pleasant. It wasn’t logical affirmation of her survival she was looking for, however. She wanted to feel alive, which was why she invited Chakotay. He ignited something deep inside her. A spark of attraction, a lively fire of life that danced in her heart. That’s what she wanted to feel after her ordeal with the alien being.  
Alive. 

Then, without a word Kathryn leaned forward and pressed her lips to Chakotay’s. Chakotay sat frozen as she lingered in her kiss. After a moment, he responded, kissing her back. Chakotay’s hand came up to her face and gently cupped her cheek. Kathryn kissed him again and again, the excitement and good feelings fueled her. Kathryn shifted and straddled his lap. Chakotay’s hands ran up her sides as Kathryn ran her fingers through his hair. She kissed him again, her tongue danced with his. It felt good. The fire inside her grew, each kiss, each caress stoking the flames, and making all her nerve endings jump like live wires. His hands felt wonderful sliding down her back. Her hands left his hair and slid down to his chest. She could feel his pounding heart and knew hers was beating to match it. Chakotay groaned as Kathryn pressed herself more tightly to him. 

His groan snapped her out of her lustful haze. 

What were they doing? 

They were on the holodeck, someone could walk in.  
Kathryn pressed her hands to his chest and broke their kiss. 

Gasping for breath, she said, “We should…we should stop.” 

Chakotay didn’t say anything. He let his hands fall to her hips. Kathryn looked at his handsome face. His eyes held affection and understanding. Kathryn looked away and climbed off his lap. She held a hand to her forehead. They really shouldn’t have done that. He was her first officer. Command School made it clear that relationships between a captain and a subordinate caused error in judgement, favoritism, orders not given because of personal feelings...the list went on. She shouldn’t. Despite how attracted she was to him, how well they got along, and how good it felt to have a man’s hands on her. 

His kiss. 

It had been so long. She hadn’t kissed a man that way since Mark. 

And what about Mark? He was 70,000 light years away. He had no idea what happened to her. She doubted that Mark would think his finacée would share a very romantic holodeck program with her first officer and end up kissing him. At the beginning of their journey, Kathryn was concerned Mark would think her unfaithful. After all, her attraction to Chakotay was there from the start, and considering the amount of time it would take to get home...Would Mark have lost hope? Starfleet probably declared the entire crew dead. If that were so, Mark would have grieved for her and moved on. He was a highly intelligent man, a logical man, who wasn’t one to cling to false hope.

“We should call it a night,” Chakotay said standing up and pulling Kathryn from her thoughts. 

Kathryn stood next to him. 

“Computer end program,” said Kathryn and the boat and Lake George vanished to show the gray and yellow holodeck grid. 

“Can I walk you back?” Chakotay asked. 

It was a silly question really, their quarters were right next to each others but she knew why he asked. It gave her an out, to hide from the awkwardness between them if she wanted to. Did she want to? 

“Sure,” Kathryn said.

The two of them left the holodeck and they rode the turbolift together to deck three in silence. Kathryn stole glances at Chakotay as the turbolift hurtled along. He stood with a faint smile, looking completely comfortable with the silence. Kathryn’s mind raced. What happened on the holodeck shouldn’t have happened. Even if it felt right and she made the first move. Certainly that stroked his ego but if, if, something were to happen between them the choice had to be hers. She was the captain. It was her risk. 

The lift slowed to a stop and the doors opened. Chakotay walked her to the door of the quarters.

“Thanks for the champagne and the sail. It was fun,” said Chakotay. 

He was playing it cool, letting her brush off their kiss and ignore it if she wanted to. 

But did she?

“It was,” Kathryn said. 

Chakotay smiled and turned to go. Kathryn acted without thinking. She reached for Chakotay’s hand and stopped him. Chakotay looked at her, obviously waiting for her to say something. Kathryn pushed the control panel next to her door and the entrance to her quarters whooshed open. This was it, she could invite him in to have a discussion on protocols, again, or she could invite him in and satisfy the appetite the fire inside her craved. Kathryn already knew how the protocol conversation would go. He’d be respectful but angry and disappointed, pointingly reminding her that she invited him to the holodeck and that she made the first move. Kathryn tried the sticking to protocol route before, on New Earth, and that conversation left her with more doubt, questions, and unresolved feelings than it did before she spoke with Chakotay that night. 

The thought of another unsatisfying night and increased tension between her and Chakotay irked her. She was a woman, after all. She had needs and desires as much as any other member of the crew. She decided early on that she wasn’t going to stop the crew from pairing off and pursuing relationships. At the time, she brushed off Chakotay’s inquiry about what she would do by stating she didn’t have that luxury and brought up Mark, when she was convinced she’d see him again within a few weeks or months, as her excuse. However, years passed, and Mark was still 70,000 light years away. Kathryn’s logical brain knew she wasn’t going to see him anytime soon. Not at the rate they were going and their lack of success at finding a way home.  
Chakotay looked at her patiently waiting for her to say something. Words failed her. They weren’t necessary. Did he purposefully give her a smoldering look? It didn’t matter, the effect was there.

Not taking her eyes from Chakotay’s, Kathryn led him into her quarters by the hand. He eagerly followed. She led him straight toward her bedroom and stopped, turning to face him. Chakotay’s eyebrows shot up but he stayed silent. She smiled softly at him and he offered a small one in return. It was a cautious smile. He was probably unsure of her true intentions, how far she was willing to take this. 

Then she kissed him. Chakotay eagerly responded, almost immediately, as if he was dying to kiss her again. Kathryn slid her hands up his chest and quickly removed his jacket. Chakotay copied her and her jacket fell to the floor next to his. Soon, all of their clothing was tossed to the floor and the two of them fell naked onto the bed. They never stopped kissing. Kathryn knew it was against protocols, against everything she learned in Command School but she didn’t care. Chakotay’s hands set her skin on fire as they caressed her arms, breasts, and thighs. She pushed her doubts aside as she pulled him on top of her. His weight felt good on top of her. She stroked his back as he kissed her neck. Chakotay’s hands slid down her thighs and Kathryn was desperate for more. Chakotay seemed to be aware because he soon made her come with his fingers, smirking a little as she caught her breath. He hovered over her and with a strong thrust forward, he pushed inside her. 

Kathryn arched up underneath him, her head tilting back as she gasped. He felt good, so good, as he filled her; pushing deeper into her until he was buried all the way inside her. Chakotay groaned and rested his head on her shoulder, kissing her skin lightly. He held still, panting heavily with the effort and Kathryn was grateful. It had been a while since she was last with a man. She clung to his shoulders, keeping him close. After a few moments, Chakotay couldn’t stay still, he slowly slid in and out of her causing her to gasp and moan on each stroke. Her body revelled in the feeling of being so full. 

She wrapped her legs around his waist and Chakotay groaned in appreciation. He worshiped her body, gently caressing her all over before stroking her clit in time with his steady thrusts. He was talented, that was for sure, Kathryn thought. Mark lacked Chakotay’s stamina and finesse. She felt guilty comparing Mark to Chakotay and quickly pushed the thought aside. Her mind focusing on the sensations washing over her body. Kathryn groaned as Chakotay increased the pressure on her clit and gradually sped up his thrusts.  
Kathryn thrust her hips at him, desperate for release. She was so close but the wonderful state of bliss eluded her and she groaned in frustration. She tossed her head side to side, gasping. Chakotay started to rub her roughly and thrust into her hard. Kathryn saw stars. Her fingernails dug into his shoulders and she arched up again. 

“Oh!” she screamed. 

Her eyes slipped shut and she was vaguely aware of Chakotay’s hands sliding to her ass and lifting her hips slightly before he pounded her hard; seeking his own release. 

Kathryn woke the next morning to find Chakotay spooned up behind her. After a night of love making they had finally collapsed into sleep in the early hours of the morning. Kathryn’s body certainly felt more relaxed and she didn’t mind only getting a few hours of sleep here and there. As she lay there, with Chakotay’s arm lazily draped over her waist, a thigh resting on top of hers and his deep steady breath in her hair, Kathryn couldn’t stop the feelings of guilt for betraying Mark, excitement from how good last night’s activities felt and a heap of other emotions she couldn’t process. She needed to get out of bed and get ready for her shift. Without looking at Chakotay, Kathryn extracted herself from Chakotay’s arms and headed to the bathroom. She secretly hoped Chakotay would wake from her movements and go back to his quarters. She needed some time alone to process everything that happened. 

She turned the sonic shower on and over its hum she heard the computer state, “The time is 0600 hours.” 

She deduced that Chakotay had asked for the time. She stood frozen, with her back to the bathroom door, as if almost worried Chakotay would join her. She faintly heard the doors to her quarters open and close and Kathryn let out a sigh of relief. She was going to put thought of Chakotay out of her mind for the rest of the morning. That is until she had to see him on the bridge in an hour. 

When she entered the bridge after two cups of coffee, she was grateful that Chakotay seemed perfectly content to stare at the command console between their seats when she sat down in her chair next to him. 

“Good morning, Captain,” Chakotay said, not taking his eyes off the duty roster for the day. 

“Good morning,” Kathryn said, her heart started to beat a little faster as she stole a glance in Chakotay’s direction. 

She admired his full lips, soft black hair, and strong hands. Remembering their activities from the night before, Kathryn’s breath hitched and she quickly covered it up with a request of system statuses from the bridge crew. 

After all stations reported they were functional normally, Kathryn handed over the bridge to Chakotay and retreated to her ready room. Once inside she braced herself with a hand on her desk. Being near Chakotay after last night was setting every nerve ending in her body to spark with arousal. She had to get a grip on herself. She couldn’t spend every shift in her ready room hiding from him. 

Kathryn moved to her couch and collapsed onto it. She gazed out to the stars outside and pondered what she would do next. She had to do something. Perhaps she should ask Chakotay over to dinner or come to him in his office and tell him it could never happen again. They had to get a handle on this and Kathryn felt that ending things early would be the easiest course of action. She mapped out a plan in her head, planning what to say, guessing how he’d react. She was just starting to feel confident about all possible scenarios when the chime to her ready room rang. 

“Come in,” she said automatically, standing from her seat on the couch. 

She froze when Chakotay entered. He approached her holding a padd in one hand. He held it up. 

“Engineering is requesting the use of the salvage power coupling from the last shuttle. It needs your approval,” he said. 

Chakotay held out the padd to her and she took it.  
Work talk, she could handle that. Even if his smile made her knees weak. Kathryn quickly studied the report, gave her approval and handed the padd back to him. Her eyes searched for anything in the room to look at as long as it wasn’t his eyes. His kind, dark, beautiful eyes. 

“Is something wrong, Kathryn?” Chakotay asked. 

Kathryn’s heart skipped a beat at the way he said her name and thoughts of how he moaned and sighed her name while buried deep inside her came rushing back. She felt hot and she was sure she was blushing.  
Chakotay stepped closer to her. Feeling the need to put some distance between them, Kathryn stepped  
backwards. Chakotay stopped, looking concerned. 

“I’m fine, Chakotay, I’m just….” she started. What was she? She searched for an excuse. 

“Distracted,” she concluded. 

Chakotay smiled, only a tiny trace of smirk on his face.  
“Want to talk about it?” he asked. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay took another step toward her. 

“Why?” he asked casually, as he stared at her. 

How could he be so casual after what they did last night. Was it not affecting him as it was her? Another, rather painful, thought formed in her head. What if it didn’t matter to him? It certainly meant something to her even if she wasn’t sure what...

“We should…we should just…” Kathryn said, having trouble finding her voice. 

“What?” Chakotay said as he moved closer, “Forget it?”  
Kathryn’s eyes flew to his as he watched her, his dark eyes staring intently into her blue ones. 

“Or,” he said, standing so close now she could smell his aftershave and boy, did he smell good, “We could face it, like adults. Confront it and move forward,” he said. 

“Oh?” was all Kathryn could manage to say. Her gaze falling to his lips, then cursing herself, Kathryn dragged her eyes back up to his. 

“We should get it out in the open,” he said. 

Kathryn’s heart was pounding in her chest at his proximity. 

“I see no reason to hide from the fact that we had sex,” said Chakotay, “multiple times.” 

Kathryn’s breath caught in her throat. His words set her on fire. He wasn’t even touching her and yet she was incredibly turned on. The entire situation was erotic. They were inches apart with her back to the wall. He was breathing heavily now and his eyes trailed over her body. It made her feel incredibly sexy; being wanted so clearly by a man. Not that she needed that to feel complete but it still felt damn good. Chakotay’s self control broke and he pinned her against the wall with his body. He crushed her mouth to his, his hands in her hair. Kathryn kissed him back just as hard, her hands pulled him closer by his uniform jacket. God, it felt good to kiss him. His hard body pressed against hers sent waves of pleasure through her. Their tongues dueled as Chakotay ran his hands all over her. Kathryn moaned into his mouth. She was so wet and ready for him. Her moan caused Chakotay to buck his hips against hers. He broke their kiss, panting heavily. 

“If you don’t stop me now, I’m going to fuck you against this wall,” he growled. 

Another hot wave of arousal crashed over Kathryn. The thought of…copulating in her ready room with the bridge crew on the other side of the wall was incredibly wrong and naughty. It excited her. She kissed him again. Her hands went to her pants and unfastened them.  
Chakotay frantically unfastened his as Kathryn shimmied her pants and panties down. As soon as she stepped out of them and removed her boots and socks, Chakotay picked her up and slammed her against the wall. Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist. 

“God, Chakotay, now!” she rasped, her head leaning back against the wall. 

She watched as Chakotay pulled himself out of his boxers and pants and with one hand gripping her thigh he thrust into her hard. Kathryn cried out but her cry was muffled by a hot open mouth kiss from Chakotay. It stung a little as her body adjusted to his sudden intrusion but he didn’t hold still for long. Chakotay backed out and then slammed up into her. Kathryn cried out again, her sound swallowed by Chakotay. He repeated the motion picking up strength and speed each time. 

Kathryn’s head fell to his shoulder, her arms clinging to his neck. She bit down on Chakotay’s jacket as he slammed into her. His hips crashed against hers and Kathryn tightened her legs around his waist. Chakotay’s hands grabbed her ass and pulled her to him as he thrust into her. He moved faster and faster. Unlike the slow sensuous sex they had last night, this was hard and hot. Each stroke hard, eliciting muffled groans from both of them. With Chakotay’s hands digging into her ass cheeks, he pounded into her. Kathryn’s back slammed against the wall as his cock drove in and out of her. He was so hard and his ferocity and speed were just what she craved. 

Kathryn gasped into his ear, “God….yes…”

Chakotay sped up, pounding her as hard and fast as he could until Kathryn felt her muscles clench around him. She quickly bit down on his shoulder to keep herself from screaming. Chakotay slammed into her hard a few more times before he groaned into her neck. He ejaculated into her before his hips were still. With him still buried inside her, Kathryn clung to him as she caught her breath. Chakotay let go of her and she let her legs fall. He slipped out of her and faintly heard the quietest whimper from Chakotay. Kathryn quickly bent and gathered her clothes. Getting dressed quickly, she watched Chakotay tuck himself back into his pants. 

“We should talk about this…tonight. Dinner, my quarters,” Kathryn said. 

“Yeah,” Chakotay said, still trying to catch his breath.  
“I’m going to get cleaned up,” she said before disappearing into her bathroom. 

Kathryn cleaned herself up, all the while thinking about what they had just done. What a stupid thing to do. Having sex with her first officer in her ready room, while on duty. Starfleet would have a field day if they ever found out. Resolving to put a stop to their scandalous behavior, Kathryn straightened her uniform and exited the bathroom. Chakotay had already returned to the bridge. He had forgotten his padd with the engineering requisition. Kathryn took the opportunity to take the padd down to engineering herself. Not seeing Chakotay right now was the best thing to do. 

After spending the rest of the day in engineering and deciding to help with the installation of the new power conduit, Kathryn called it quits and rode the lift to her quarters on deck three a little earlier than her normal shift.. She entered her quarters and tried to relax. She tried to formulate a plan, just what she’d say to Chakotay, but she was having difficulty separating her thoughts of talking about their behavior and remembering their actions from this morning and the night before. 

She already admitted to herself that the sex was good. Really good. Better than anything she had with Mark. Maybe it was because it was wrong and against the rules. Was it because Chakotay was was a Maquis outlaw, a criminal? She didn’t see him that way anymore. She didn’t see any of the Maquis that way anymore. Despite that, Chakotay was still a member of her crew, her subordinate. What they were doing must stop. 

Kathryn nodded to herself as if that settled the matter. She straightened her uniform and went to the replicator to program dinner. Kathryn picked vegetable lasagna, one of Chakotay’s favorites. She figured is she was going to disappoint him and tell him that sex was off the table, the least she could do was butter him up first. Then again, what if he didn’t care? What is she was just an easy outlet for sex for him? Kathryn didn’t want to dwell on that unappealing thought. Even if it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. They didn’t make any declarations or promises to each other. 

Chakotay arrived late for dinner which made her even more resolute to put a stop to everything. He smiled at her when he entered her quarters and Kathryn felt her heart skip a beat. Even if she was extremely attracted to him, she was stopping whatever things were between them. She really was.

She went immediately to the replicator. 

“Have a seat,” she said over her shoulder. 

Chakotay sat at her dining table, relaxed and seemingly unperturbed at all. She could feel his eyes on her as she leaned against the wall with one arm, waiting for the replicator. They were silent and it unnerved her a little. She understood Chakotay wasn’t going to be the one to bring up the topic of ‘us’. He seemed pleased with their situation. Why wouldn’t he be? 

She called him to dinner, it was her show. Still, there was a small part of her that was disappointed he didn’t march into her quarters and state that he wasn’t going to give in so easily. She knew Chakotay well enough to know he had a good understanding of her thought process. But all this was her risk. She didn’t stop him and he wasn’t going to push her. That wasn’t him. Instead he sat there and watched her carry a tray of lasagna and wine to the table. As she served their meal, he poured the wine. Kathryn didn’t bother with a toast and took a sip of wine when he offered it to her. 

“Did you help B’Elanna with the installation of that power coupling?” he asked. 

More work talk, Kathryn thought, relieved.

“Yes. It felt good to get my hands dirty for a change,” said Kathryn. 

“I bet it did,” said Chakotay before taking a sip of his own wine. 

The rest of the meal was spent talking about work and the crew. Kathryn was happy to do so. It allowed her time to gather her courage to have the awkward conversation she planned. When they were finished with their meal, Kathryn gathered their empty plates to recycle them in the replicator. She neatly stacked them on top of each other but froze when she felt Chakotay come up behind her. She felt a wave of arousal from his proximity and goosebumps rose up on her skin. Chakotay reached around her and Kathryn’s heart started to pound. Chakotay gently placed the two wine glasses into the replicator. 

“You forgot these,” he said quietly, his mouth next to her ear. 

Kathryn turned to look at him. 

“Thank you,” she said and pushed the control panel on the replicator and their plates and glasses disappeared.  
Kathryn turned her head to the side and looked up into his face. Chakotay looked calm but Kathryn knew better, she could see his chest rising and falling a little quicker than normal, his pupils were dilated. His full lips were turned up in a small smile. 

“You wanted to talk about us?” he asked. 

Kathryn tore her gaze away from his lips and looked him in the eyes, she swallowed and said, “Yes.”

Chakotay tilted his head, “Alright…” he said. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this….” Kathryn whispered but stood frozen. 

“You started this,” Chakotay said. He sounded almost amused as he moved closer. 

“Well, we….we shouldn’t…” Kathryn said. She felt her eyes slip shut as Chakotay moved closer and closer. She waited for him to kiss her but he didn’t. Kathryn knew he was millimeters away. She peered at him through her eyelashes. 

God, he was handsome. 

She tilted her head up and pressed her lips to his. Immediately, Chakotay spun her around and pinned her to the wall. He kissed her hard, crushing her body against his. Kathryn’s hands went to his hair and she kissed him back. It felt good. Her body felt hot as he ran his hands over her curves. They shouldn’t be doing this. What happened to her plan? Her plan and all the reasons the two of them should stop their liaisons went out the airlock when Chakotay’s tongue slid against hers. Kathryn moaned and Chakotay picked her up. Kathryn instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist.

Chakotay stumbled backwards, his strong hands moved to her ass, to her hair, to holding her back, pressing her against his chest. He turned them around and clumsily made his way to her bedroom, stopping for a moment to press her against the doorframe to kiss her madly. He was so hot and hard against her. Kathryn thoroughly enjoyed the effect she had on him and the attention thrilled her, excited her, made her feel womanly and desirable. It was a good feeling. Just enjoy it, her mind said. Chakotay deposited her on the bed and stripped off her uniform. He did the same thing, throwing his uniform across her bedroom. He climbed on top of her, letting his hands slide up her legs to her thighs. Chakotay kissed her neck as his fingers slowly inched their way toward where she wanted him to touch her the most. Kathryn screwed up her eyes in frustration.  
“Please,” she panted. 

Chakotay chuckled into her neck and kissed her jawline.  
“Please, Chakotay,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay’s fingers finally hit their mark. His thumb rubbed her in the way she liked. Grateful that he learned so quickly, Kathryn arched underneath him and Chakotay pushed a finger inside her. He pumped his fingers inside her, bringing her closer and closer to the edge. He leaned over her, kissing her passionately as his fingers drove her to oblivion. Kathryn cried out and clutched his shoulders. Chakotay kissed her neck as she rode out her orgasm. When she finally came down, Chakotay rolled them over, she was resting on his chest. She could feel his hard cock between them. 

Chakotay kissed her, his hands soothing her body in long caresses. She knew she shouldn’t, but God, she wanted more. Kathryn rose up, straddling Chakotay’s thighs. He groaned as he watched her sink down onto him. His eyes slid shut when she took him all in. Kathryn sighed and leaned over him, resting her hands on his chest. She began to move on top of him. Rising and falling, eliciting a groan from Chakotay each time. She circled her hips. Chakotay moaned loudly. He reached up gently and caressed her breasts. Kathryn arched into his hands. They were large and rough; they felt good. Kathryn rode him faster and Chakotay’s hands let go of her breasts. One steadied her hip while his other hand stroked her clit. 

“Yes,” Kathryn said as she slammed down onto him. 

A few more hard thrusts and she was there; flying again. She was pretty sure she called out Chakotay’s name but as the bright white stars overwhelmed her vision all she could do was feel. Kathryn gasped for breath as she collapsed on Chakotay’s chest. He was breathing hard and Kathryn could tell he didn’t come when she did. He was clenching his jaw, waiting for her to recover. 

So thoughtful, Kathryn mused. 

She reached up and stroked his face. Chakotay hauled her up, kissing her deeply. His tongue dueled hers. His hands stroked up and down her back. Kathryn sighed and Chakotay thrust his hips at her. Kathryn flashed a crooked smile at him. 

“Why, Commander,” she said in mock surprise. 

Chakotay growled and slid out from underneath her. Kathryn moved to turn over but Chakotay stopped her with a gentle hand to her back. She understood. Chakotay positioned himself behind her, his hands flexing on her hips. Kathryn felt a hot wave of arousal wash over her. Chakotay let his hands slide up her side, over her ribcage, brushing her breasts and then back down. He rested his hands on her hips. The head of his cock brushed her entrance and Kathryn moaned. She pushed back against him, wanting to feel him inside her again. Chakotay groaned but held himself still.  
What was he waiting for, thought Kathryn. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said, hoping her impatience didn’t show too much. 

Chakotay groaned and pulled her hips up, so she was on her knees. Then he slowly pushed inside her. It was a long slow thrust, which pulled a continuous groan from Kathryn. Chakotay froze when he was buried inside her. Kathryn panted, and leaned forward on her arms. Chakotay’s hands on her hips flexed. He slid out slowly then pushed forward. They both groaned. God, it was good. Kathryn pushed back against him, needing him to move faster, harder, anything. 

Chakotay groaned again, then set a steady pace. It felt wonderful to have him moving inside her but the pace was much too slow for what she craved at the moment. It was winding her up. She felt her stomach coil, and breathing heavily, her excitement turned up a notch in anticipation. She moaned in frustration. 

“Please,” she begged.

“Awww, yeah,” Chakotay said breathless. 

He picked up the pace, gradually moving faster. He pulled her hips back onto him as he stroked forward. He must have liked that because he did it over and over again, each time thrusting a little harder. His hips started to move faster as he slammed into her. 

“Yes, yes. Yes!” Kathryn chanted. 

Chakotay grunted and snapped his hips toward her. It was a sharp, hard thrust which caused Kathryn to gasp in delight. Chakotay moaned then started to pound into her. He gripped her hips firmly and slammed into her hard. His hips crashed against hers as he rammed his hard cock inside her. Chakotay grunted with each thrust until he jerkily emptied inside her. He groaned with one final push. He ground into her and Kathryn felt a ripple of an orgasm wash over her. Kathryn’s legs felt like jelly and she collapsed on the bed when Chakotay let go of her hips. Chakotay fell next to her. He rolled onto his back, his chest heaving. 

Kathryn panted and rolled onto her back. She flung an arm over her forehead. 

“That wasn’t what I planned, when…when I said….we need to talk,” she said. 

Chakotay didn’t say anything, so Kathryn continued.  
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” she said. 

“You started this, Kathryn,” Chakotay shot back. 

Kathryn was silent. 

“You didn’t seem to have a problem last night,” said Chakotay, “Or this morning, or right now. You didn’t stop me.” 

That was true. 

“Yes, but protocols,” Kathryn started. 

“I don’t give a damn about Starfleet protocols. What do you think is going to happen? There’s no Starfleet Command out here to court martial you.”

Kathryn didn’t have a response to that. He was right. They both knew it. Chakotay sighed and found his boxers on the floor. He grabbed them and slipped them on. 

“Mark,” Kathryn said quietly. She knew it would hurt him and she wasn’t quite sure why she brought him up now.

Did she really want to talk about her fiancé with her...what? Lover? It wasn’t fair to Chakotay.  
Chakotay ran a hand through his hair, before he began to dress quickly. 

“I knew after he came up last night, it would be a problem,” he said angrily, “I should have stopped. I shouldn’t have pushed.” 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said, grabbing the bedsheets and wrapping it around her. 

“You’re right, this shouldn’t have happened,” Chakotay said, not bothering to put on his jacket as he stormed out of her quarters. 

“Chakotay,” she called after him. 

Well, that was one was to stop having sex with your first officer, she thought, bring up your fiancé. She heard a loud thump from the other side of her wall and she imagined that Chakotay had just kicked over a chair in his quarters. This was what she wanted, right? To put a stop to it. Then why did she feel so bad? 

Weeks passed and Kathryn fell back into an awkward friendship with Chakotay. It was strained between them but the tension was worse. She caught herself stealing glances at him, admiring his body and feeling pangs of jealousy and anger that popped up when he smiled at the female junior officers. It was more uncomfortable now than it was when they were having sex. Daily debriefings were difficult, as she let her mind wander and agonize over what happened. Sitting next to Chakotay on the bridge was getting more and more difficult too. 

That morning, her hand accidently brushed Chakotay’s when they both reached for the center console between their command chairs at the same time. She felt as if she would jump out of her skin. She missed him, despite seeing him every day on the bridge, or in debriefings. Chakotay avoided her ready room opting to catch her in a crowded corridor if he had a report to deliver. He didn’t linger in their conversation and Kathryn realized she had to make the first move again. Chakotay was afraid he had pushed her and if she wanted to continue their...liaisons...she would have to reach out to him. The thought gave her pause. If she invited him to her bed again, Chakotay could interpret that as an invitation to an extended relationship. Would that be so bad? Their few encounters were constantly on her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking about the way he kissed her, his strong hands on her skin, the way he felt inside her. His groans and whispers of her name haunted her dreams. It was becoming unbearable. She wanted him. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair and feel his strong body over hers.  
Perhaps she had been wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time but she hated to admit that. 

That night after dinner, Kathryn invited Chakotay over to her quarters. She could hear the hesitancy in his voice over the comm but he stated he was on his way. Kathryn was suddenly nervous. She was unsure how he would react to her invitation. Would he reject her? State that it was too confusing, as angry as he was, she wasn’t sure if he’d even be willing to hear her out. Would he ask her what it all meant? Could she answer that question? She didn’t have time to come up with a strategy before her door chime rang. 

“Come in,” she said. 

She stood next to a chair in her sitting room. Chakotay entered and stood with his hands behind his back.  
“You wanted to see me,” he said. 

Kathryn nodded. 

She walked toward him, deliberately swaying her hips, hoping he would notice. She was pleased to see that he did. 

“I was wrong,” she admitted. 

She moved closer to him. 

“You’re right, I’m afraid of what Starfleet would think,” she said. 

Kathryn ran her hands up Chakotay’s chest. He closed his eyes and looked conflicted. 

“What would Starfleet say? The Captain of Voyager sleeping with a Maquis outlaw,” said Kathryn as her hands ran up his chest again feeling his muscles. 

Chakotay let out a quiet groan. He reached up and grabbed her hands. Their eyes locked. 

“Don’t play games with me,” Chakotay said. He sounded almost dangerous and it sent a spark of arousal through Kathryn.

“I’m not,” Kathryn said and just as she spoke, Chakotay’s mouth crushed hers. 

He kissed her hard, pulling her body against his. Kathryn ran her fingers through his hair. Chakotay kissed her passionately, not being gentle at all. He picked her up as their kisses grew more intense and ferocious. His hands squeezed her ass as he carried her straight to her bedroom. His assertiveness excited her and he fell onto of her as Kathryn landed on the bed. He kissed her neck as he stripped her, his hands roughly grabbing at her uniform. She was as equally assertive with him. Their hands fought for supremacy over each other.  
“I missed you,” she whispered. 

Chakotay responded with a kiss. 

Looks like she wasn’t the only one suffering from the tension between them, Kathryn thought before Chakotay’s rough hands quickly worked her into a frenzy. Chakotay pushed three fingers inside her. He pumped her a few times before flipping onto his back, dragging her with him and hauling her up to straddled his hips. Kathryn wasn’t usually one for being manhandled but his frenzied desire fueled hers and she was desperately aching to feel him push his cock inside her. She wasn’t going to wait long. With a groan, she sank down onto him and Chakotay tilted his head back and let out a low moan. He thrust up hard and Kathryn gasped. God, it drove her crazy.

Chakotay said breathlessly, “You feel so good.”

A wave of pleasure coursed through her and Chakotay flexed his hips, pushing into her a little more before holding still for a few seconds. 

“So do you. Chakotay,” Kathryn sighed as she moved on top of him. Her hands on his chest. She missed how good this felt, how much she needed this release, especially after the unbearable tension between them. She moved faster. Her breasts bounced as she moved and she felt Chakotay’s gaze fixated on her. He gripped her hips, helping her slam down onto him. 

“Chakotay!” Kathryn cried breathlessly. 

“Come on,” Chakotay said soothingly, “Come on.”

Each phrase corresponding with a hard thrust hitting her straight to her core. Chakotay reached for her clit and rubbed her with his fingers, roughly stroking her in time with his powerful thrusts. 

“God, yes!,” Kathryn moaned.

Chakotay grunted in response. Kathryn’s movement became frantic. She stopped rationalizing and let herself slip into a world of pure sensation. With a shout she came in a quivering mass around Chakotay. Who thrust up into her, letting her ride out her orgasm. She collapsed onto Chakotay’s chest. Kathryn was vaguely aware of Chakotay gently shifting out from underneath her. He rolled behind her and lifted her hips. He thrust inside her, moving faster and faster until he found his own release in her body, gripping her hips tightly. He yelled her name and gave a long low groan as his hips flexed as he emptied inside her. 

Chakotay collapsed on the bed, crushing her with his body weight. She shifted, escaping from underneath him. They lay there, panting. Chakotay rolled onto his back, his chest rising and falling heavily.

“God, that is so good,” Kathryn said. 

“Yeah,” Chakotay said. 

They lay there catching their breath. Kathryn felt the sweat cool on her skin, she grabbed for the bed sheet and wrapped herself in it. It might have been Starfleet issue but it was worn and comfortable now. 

“So, what now?” Chakotay asked staring at the ceiling.  
Kathryn could see sweat on his skin. His hair stuck to his temples and she could see nail marks on his chest from where her nails dug into his skin. She hadn’t realized she did that and hoped it didn’t hurt. 

“Well avoiding this doesn’t seem to work,” Kathryn said waving a hand between them. 

“No, it doesn’t,” Chakotay agreed, “So, what do we do?”

“We explore this,” Kathryn said, “We explore this until…”  
But she didn’t finish the sentence. Until what? She wasn’t sure. Until the got home? When would that be? Until they got sick of each other? That thought made her stomach drop. She didn’t want that to ever happen. 

“Until what?” Chakotay asked, thinking along the same lines, “We get home and you go back to your fiancé? And speaking of him, what would you tell him?” 

Kathryn was taken aback. She didn’t want to start another argument or bring up the topic of Mark. 

“Well, what would you have me say?” She retorted, feeling a little angry at Chakotay’s hostility, “Sorry Mark, when you were grieving over the loss of your fiancée, I was busying fucking my first officer. You understand, right?”

Chakotay scowled and sat up. He swung his legs over the side for the bed. He looked as if he had every intention to leave but Kathryn was ready for him. She placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him from getting up. 

“I’m not sure what to say. I don’t even know if I’ll see him again. Honestly, the Alpha quadrant probably thinks we’re dead…” but she trailed off. 

Kathryn sat next to Chakotay. He looked at her. 

“I need to know where I stand,” he said. 

“I know,” she said quietly. 

Chakotay lifted her chin and cupped her face in his hands. 

“I know I want this,” he said and kissed her. It was a gentle passionate kiss. Almost loving. It felt good and sent butterflies to Kathryn’s stomach, so she kissed him back. 

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” Chakotay said after they broke apart. 

“You’ve been on my mind too,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay kissed her again and Kathryn let her hands slide around his shoulder and up his chest. 

“I know you’re unsure,” said Chakotay, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs, “But you don’t need to resist this. Whatever this is that draws us to each other.”  
Kathryn blushed. 

“We can be discrete if you want,” he added.

“I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to flaunt it in front of the crew,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay nodded in understanding. 

“So, it brings us back to the beginning. Where do we go from here?” asked Chakotay. 

“I wouldn’t mind exploring this,” Kathryn said quietly. 

She couldn’t stop her feelings for Chakotay. Even if they were confusing and she wasn’t sure if she could even label what she felt. She knew she enjoyed the sex and its potency was heightened by her attraction for Chakotay. It was unlike anything she’d experienced before. It wasn’t just his handsome features or the mind blowing sex. There was something calming about his presence. His friendship was now such a strong component of her life, she couldn’t imagine a day without him. He made her laugh, pushed her buttons, but also didn’t allow her to stay in her self-destructive moods. 

Chakotay was staring at her and when she made eye contact with him, he smiled. 

“I’d like to explore it too,” he said. 

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“We’re too good together,” he said, blushing a little.  
Kathryn flashed a crooked smile at him. 

She leaned in and kissed him. Kathryn shifted, the bed sheet making it awkward for her to straddled his lap but she managed. Chakotay held her close, kissing her back. He wrapped her arms around her waist as Kathryn ran her hands through his hair. Kathryn gasped as she felt Chakotay’s hard cock against her. She raised her eyebrows at him and Chakotay smirked back at her. 

“So soon?” she teased and Chakotay only grinned. 

Kathryn lifted herself up and onto him. She sighed as he filled her but winced a little. 

“You okay?” Chakotay asked, his voice a little restrained. 

“Yes,” said Kathryn, “Just go slow this time.” 

“Sorry….” Chakotay said quietly. 

Kathryn stroked his face as she moved up and down on his shaft. Their previous vigorous round had left her a little sore but it wasn’t Chakotay’s fault. Not entirely. She was just as wound up and craved the same hot and hard resolution that he did. They sighed and moaned as Kathryn gradually increased their pace. Chakotay thrust up into her, his arms wrapped around her tightly. She clung to his shoulders as she raised up off him and slammed down. Chakotay thrust up into her as the same time and Kathryn came crashing over the edge, Chakotay following her. Chakotay lay back on the bed, slipping out of her. Kathryn lay on his chest, the bed sheet barely remaining wrapped around her. 

“I should go,” Chakotay said after a while. 

“Hmmmm,” Kathryn said. 

Chakotay traced lazy patterns on her back. Kathryn rolled off of him and watched as he dressed. When he was ready, he leaned down and kissed her softly. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said. 

“Tomorrow,” said Kathryn. 

With one last kiss, Chakotay left for his quarters.  
Kathryn closed her eyes and snuggled into the pillow where Chakotay had rested his head. It faintly smelled like him. She felt peaceful for the briefest moment but Mark snuck back into her thoughts. She was betraying her engagement promise. She thought she would be bothered by that realization but when it came down to it, she wasn’t. Not really. She felt bad, for Mark’s sake but logically, she couldn’t wait for Mark forever. Was it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? She truly did feel bad about betraying Mark but on the other hand, Chakotay excited her, he occupied her thoughts more and more. She knew the only way to figure this out was to take it head on. She meant what she said, she wanted to explore this thing with Chakotay. 

Months turned into a year of her secret relationship with her first officer. It wasn’t all just mind blowing sex although that didn’t seem to be cooling off any time soon. Not that she was complaining. She almost forgot how it felt to be regularly getting laid. Both her and Chakotay were in good spirits even when the occasional red alert ruined dinner plans. They spent more time just enjoying each other’s company or exploring holodeck programs and even had a very sexy game of Velocity which ended with them ripping each other’s clothes off right there on the holodeck. She felt like a teenager with raging hormones again. One particular evening that she would never forget was at one of Neelix’s lua-ou’s. There was nothing extraordinary about the evening, besides it made her feel so incredibly happy. Looking back, even the crew noticed how happy she was that night. She was worried they would notice her secret relationship but no one seemed to care, especially Chakotay. 

She arrived late to the party. The holodeck doors stood open and members of the crew spilled out into the corridor. Everyone was dressed in typical hawaiian shirts. Kathryn opted for a floral dress. She spent a few extra minutes preparing her outfit. She cut her hair a while ago, but styled it so there was a little bit of a wave to it. Crew members cheered and greeted her as she entered the holodeck. Some raised their tiki glasses in greeting. She smiled. It was nice seeing their smiles. She found Chakotay standing with Harry at the bar. She met Chakotay’s eyes from across the resort program. His dark eyes had the same smolder as they did the night of their midnight sail. She was used to the look but it still sent a jolt through her, warming every inch of her skin. He smiled as he held his own tiki drink. 

She weaved through the crowd, walking toward him. He didn’t take his eyes off of her. She tried, as nonchalantly as she could, to greet crew members and avoid Chakotay’s gaze on her way to the bar. She pretended it was a game. Who would crack first? She felt playful. When she arrived at the bar, Harry beamed at her. 

“Hi Captain!” said Harry jovily. He wore an overly flowery hawaiian shirt. One Tom Paris surely picked out for him. Harry had his own tiki drink, complete with a yellow mini umbrella. 

“Evening, Harry,” said Kathryn, “What are you drinking?”  
Harry held up his drink. 

“Tom gave it to me. I don’t like it,” said Harry. 

“May I?” she asked and Harry handed her his drink. 

Kathryn took a sip, locking eyes with Chakotay. It was fruity and most definitely spiked, courtesy of Tom Paris. She licked her lips and saw Chakotay’s chest rise and fall deeply. His gaze intensified. 

“How is it?” Harry asked. 

“Just what I was looking for,” said Kathryn, letting her eyes linger just a second too long on Chakotay’s before she turned to Harry. 

“Why don’t you join in on the fun on the dance floor, Ensign?” she said, clapping Harry on the back. 

“Well, I…”

“Go on, Harry, don’t be shy,” said Chakotay. 

Harry looked between both of them before bustling off to mix into the crowd. Kathryn moved next to Chakotay, sliding up to brush his arm with hers. She sipped her drink. 

“Are you trying to torture me?” Chakotay said, leaning in close to whisper to her. 

Kathryn gave him a sly smile, “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“That look you just gave me. That dress…” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn turned to look at him. She caught Chakotay looking her up and down and with satisfied thrill, Kathryn was thankful she had chosen this particular dress. A full floral pattern and the neckline just low enough to tease Chakotay but not one to be out of place in front of the crew. 

“You like it?” asked Kathryn, already knowing he did, “I used up this month’s replicator rations to create it.”

The corner of Chakotay’s mouth twitched upward. 

“Does this mean you’ll be using my rations for coffee until next month?”

“You’ve never complained before,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay chuckled. Kathryn leaned in a little closer. Tempted to caress his chest but she stopped herself. Chakotay noticed and set down his drink on a nearby table. He took Kathryn’s drink and set it beside his. 

“Let’s dance,” he suggested and took Kathryn’s hand. 

He led her to the dance floor before she could object. The holographic band was playing a lively song and Chakotay spun her around and into his arms before she could worry about what the crew would think. Kathryn couldn’t help but laugh and she swayed exuberantly with Chakotay. His grin was the biggest she’d seen. Chakotay’s eyes twinkled and Kathryn could resist, just briefly, letting her hand slide up the back of his neck and into his hair. Chakotay pulled her close and as he did so, the music changed. It slowed to a sensual beat. Kathryn molded her body to his. 

“Are you enjoying the party?” Chakotay asked in a low voice. 

“I am,” said Kathryn as she gazed up at him. 

Nothing more was said between them. They swayed to the music, enjoying each other’s company. Chakotay strong presence was like an anchor, grounding her to the deck plating. As she looked into his eyes, she saw his kindness and affection radiate from them. It made her feel warm and content. She smiled warmly at him. Chakotay caressed her lower back. He tilted his head and for a fleeting moment, Kathryn thought he was going to kiss her in front of the crew. She wasn’t sure how she would react to that. Surely, she would stop him, but when he didn’t attempt anything and Kathryn found she was disappointed. Although she knew they needed to be discrete. It’s what she wanted. 

The music changed again, back to its lively fast pace. 

“Want to get a drink?” Chakotay asked. 

He stopped swaying. 

“No, Commander. We’re going to dance,” said Kathryn.

She spun away from him. His grin appeared on his face again, his dimples pronounced and she found her heart skipped a beat as she smiled back. They danced longer than most of the crew and were one of the few left as the party wound down. Kathryn clutched Chakotay’s arm as they exited the holodeck for the turbolift.

“Some party,” said Chakotay, “I didn’t know you enjoyed dancing that much.”

“One of my many surprises,” said Kathryn.

“Like how much of a pool shark you are? That surprised everyone, especially Tom,” said Chakotay. 

They entered the lift and Kathryn pressed her body to Chakotay’s side.

“I’m not the only one with surprises. You’ve been keeping your dance skills a secret,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay smiled, “I only dance on special occasions.”  
“Such as tonight?”

“Well,” he said tugging as his earlobe, “it was the only way to get close to you without arousing suspicion.” 

“Was that what you were afraid would be aroused?” Kathryn teased.

Chakotay turned to face her, trapping her to the turbolift wall. 

“Maybe not the only thing. That dress is working wonders.”

Kathryn playfully tugged at the collar of his blue hawaiian shirt. 

“Well, if you like how it looks on, just wait until you see it off,” she purred. 

Chakotay practically growled with anticipation but before he could act, the turbolift doors opened and Kathryn slipped out from under his arm. She tossed a look over her shoulder and smiled. 

“Coming Commander?” She said before she grinned and led him back to her quarters. 

They did their best to keep their secret relationship a secret. Kathryn was sure they were being discrete. They were bending all the rules taught at Command School but Kathryn didn’t care. She still ordered Chakotay into dangerous situations and he still followed them. However, their relationship wasn’t without its flaws. Without an official label or knowledge of the direction they were headed, it made command disagreements all that more heated. They’d argue and take a break from each other. Interestingly enough, it was usually Kathryn who started them up again. She always made the decision to come back. Even if she began with talking herself into ending things permanently. Justifying her decision by stating that these arguments wouldn’t be as bad if they weren’t sleeping together. Whenever they took their break, she missed him and missed his counsel and friendship more than anything. Especially when they received their first letters from home. 

When she received her letter and saw it was from Mark, her familiar guilt crept up inside her but it wasn’t the guilt over beginning a relationship with Chakotay. She was eager to hear from Mark, eager to read his letter and felt as if she was betraying Chakotay now. Even if they still hadn’t identified what their relationship was.  
She shut herself up in her ready room and sat on her couch, immediately ready to read Mark’s letter. She found his words comforting and as she read them she could almost hear his voice as if he were speaking them to her. He wrote to her about her dog, Molly, and she smiled, briefly, until she read on. Mark apologized and Kathryn knew before reading the rest of his letter exactly what he was apologizing for. He had moved on. The mixture of emotions she felt were difficult to navigate. She was sad to hear how upset Mark was when Voyager was declared lost. Angry that he began seeing a woman he worked with and heartbroken when Mark wrote that he married his coworker. It stung. It really did, but she couldn’t blame him. After all, he wasn’t completely alone like her. Mark was in the Alpha quadrant where Earth was and the Federation with billions of people he could interact with, he was bound to find someone. 

It wasn’t surprising he moved on, although she wouldn’t have minded if his letter stated that he had never given up. Immediately after that thought, Chakotay’s face popped into her head. What would she had done if Mark hadn’t given up? End things with Chakotay? Her gut churned at the thought, she didn’t like that one bit. Kathryn shook her head. It didn’t matter. Mark had moved on. She was disappointed. The love she thought she had with Mark wasn’t strong enough to survive. That hurt most of all. Like most things, Kathryn tried her best to put her commitment into every decision wholeheartedly, including her engagements. Her first ended in tragedy and now her second had failed due to circumstance. She no longer had a finacé. She had, what, a lover? Chakotay was more than just a lover. He was her first officer, her closest friend. She wasn’t completely alone. Maybe with Mark official moved on, she could too. 

When Chakotay asked about her letter later that afternoon, Kathryn said she was fine. She could tell, he didn’t really believe her but she wasn’t ready to discuss her true feelings. Right now, she was giving herself time to grieve over the loss of Mark, although Chakotay’s idea of attending Neelix’s part together put a smile on her face. She stayed close to Chakotay’s side that evening. No games tonight. She wanted his calming presence. A reminder that the two of them found solace in each other. He gave her a few looks throughout the evening, as if he wanted to say something, but she responded with a look of her own that said she wasn’t going to discuss her letter at the party. He didn’t push the matter but Kathryn could tell something was weighing on his shoulders. After the party, Chakotay walked her back to her quarters. They stopped outside her quarters. Kathryn recognized the look on Chakotay’s face. He was hesitant and she wondered if he was waiting for her to invite him in. Kathryn knew Chakotay wouldn’t pressure her for sex but she knew he wouldn’t say no if she invited him in and she did intend to invite him in. 

Kathryn smiled and reached for his hand. They entered her quarters. She needed to set the tone. She wasn’t up for some frantic coupling. Kathryn turned to him before Chakotay could pounce on her. She pulled him down for a kiss, keeping it slow, indicating that slow was was what she intended this night to be. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her close. Kathryn broke their kiss and rested her head on his chest. She listened to his heartbeat. 

“I have, on good authority, the knowledge that the first officer received the first letter. What was in it?” Kathryn asked. 

Chakotay stiffened and Kathryn looked up at him. 

“Bad news?”

Chakotay swallowed, his mouth a thin line. He nodded.  
“All the Maquis are dead. Dead or in prison. All of them. My friends, people I care about. They’re all gone.”

Kathryn asked, shocked. 

Chakotay nodded. 

“How? Not the Federation,” said Kathryn, the thought of that possibility disgusted her and for a fleeting second silently begged for it to be not true.

Chakotay shook his head. 

“No, by another group of aliens called the Dominion. Apparently there’s a war between them and the Federation,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn placed her hands on his chest. 

“I had to spend the whole day telling all the Maquis crew members what happened and I can barely believe it myself,” said Chakotay. 

“I’m so sorry, Chakotay,” said Kathryn. 

She meant it too. She may not have agreed with some of the Maquis’ tactics or methods but to lose every friend. The thought tugged at her. 

“Some of them survived. They’re in prison. I should be grateful they’re alive but…”

“What?”

“Part of me feels like I should have been there. I should have died with them but as I thought throughout the day, I’m grateful that we weren’t. B’Elanna, Alaya, the rest of the Maquis, we’re all safe here on Voyager. It was comforting. I feel a little guilty at not being more upset.”

Kathryn considered him. Chakotay looked so conflicted and hurt, she felt a deep affection rush up inside her. She reach up and stroked his hair. Chakotay let out a contented sigh. 

“I understand,” Kathryn said. 

“I guess both our letters weren’t as happy as we expected,” said Chakotay grimly. 

“True but like you, I’m not as upset as I once could have been,” said Kathryn. 

“Kathryn, I know this might sound strange, but...Voyager, this crew, they are what matters to me now. I’ll always be a Maquis, I’ll always care for my friends and those I fought with, but our crew here on Voyager has been through just as many battles and hardships. I’ve come to care about the people here. My focus has changed,” said Chakotay. 

He took her hands in his and held them to his chest. Kathryn felt tears threatening to fall. Chakotay articulated what she felt. Her focus had changed, a while ago. Her letter from Mark was just confirmation and helped her realize it. She gazed into Chakotay’s eyes and her angry warrior stood before her, his eyes softening and looking for comfort. 

“So has mine,” said Kathryn. 

He leaned down and kissed her softly. Kathryn’s stomach coiled and rippled like a calming storm. She had never never felt that before. She kissed him back, running her fingers through his hair. The feeling grew and with it, her need to make him feel it too. 

“Come on,” she whispered. 

She took Chakotay by the hand and led him back to her bedroom. They quickly shed their clothing and fell to the bed. Kathryn sighed as Chakotay lay on top of her. His hands stroked her skin. His light caress was comforting and Kathryn reached up and traced his tattoo with her fingers. Chakotay smiled at her touch and kissed her. It felt good being with him. His touch, his smile, even his twisted sense of humor brought her comfort. 

Comfort was exactly what she needed right now. Kathryn’s hands stroked his back and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Chakotay slowing pushed inside her. His head fell to the crook of her neck and they lay together, joined again. Chakotay moved slowly. Both them sighed as he pulled out and moaned as he slowly thrust back into her. Kathryn hugged his shoulders, keeping him close as Chakotay set a steady pace. He ground his hips against hers on every thrust and Kathryn tightened her legs around his hips. His pubic bone brushed her clit in just the right way and she gasped his name. Chakotay groaned loudly, his pace gradually increasing until both of them tumbled over the edge into their state of bliss. Chakotay rolled to his side, dragging Kathryn with him. They both panted as they caught their breath. Kathryn shifted onto her back. Chakotay nuzzled her neck. 

“I wouldn’t give up on you,” he mumbled. 

“What?” said Kathryn. 

“If I was engaged to you and you disappeared. I wouldn’t give up on you. Ever,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn looked at Chakotay’s sweaty content face. The coiling in her stomach faded to be replaced by a tightness in her chest. It burned as if on fire but it wasn’t painful. In fact, it wasn’t her chest, but her soul that was burning. Lit with a fire as old as the universe and yet so foreign, she couldn't classify it. Kathryn pulled his head down and kissed him again. They shared a long passionate kiss that didn’t make her new feeling go away. 

When they broke apart, Chakotay nuzzled and kissed her neck. He sighed. 

“I should get going,” he said but not making any attempt to move. 

“Oh,” Kathryn said, as disappointment flooded her. 

“If I don’t go now, I’ll fall asleep,” Chakotay said. He moved to sit up but Kathryn stopped him, placing a hand on his arm. 

“Stay” she said. 

Chakotay looked at her. 

“Stay,” Kathryn said again. 

Chakotay smiled and settled down next to her, Kathryn turned on her side and Chakotay spooned up beside her. Kathryn pulled his arm over her, grasping his hand and holding it in hers. Chakotay lazily covered them with the bedsheets and sighed. Her heart felt as if it was expanding, burning with a force that scared her a little but as she listened to Chakotay’s breathing become steady and slow, she knew was she didn’t want it to fade. 

If Kathryn thought her letter from Mark would allow her relationship with Chakotay to flourish without problems, she was wrong. Although, Mark wasn’t a factor anymore and any guilt she felt passed with her personal log and archive of Mark’s letter, the path forward was far from smooth sailing. Kathryn knew she and Chakotay butted heads sometimes, especially on command descions. They weathered that particular storm over and over and came out on the other side unscathed. It didn’t make the arguments any easier, in fact, with her relationzation after Mark’s letter and her thought that they would eventually move forward was put on hold by a potentially damaging fight. 

The incident with the Equinox. She relieved him of command, an act that stung her as much as she could tell wounded Chakotay. He called her obsessive and reckless and looked at her with such disappointment and disgust, she felt sick when she thought back on it. After it was all over, Kathryn was unsure if they would ever recover what they had. When Chakotay offered to help put Voyager’s commissioning plaque back up on the bulkhead where it belonged, she felt as if he was making a gesture. He was making the first move to repair their damaged relationship. Perhaps he was willing to fight his way through all the rough patches fate threw at them. It gave her hope. It felt good, even if part of her was stubborn to admit she was wrong and ashamed at what had caused this particular rift. 

The potluck that Neelix organized afterwards was more subdued than the usual Voyager parties. She and Chakotay kept away from each other until the very end. She locked eyes with him from across the room and he gave her a small smile. Eventually, they may their way back to each other. She invited him back to her quarters and as the party ended, Chakotay offered her his arm. They didn’t speak on the way to her quarters. He followed her inside but when she turned to him, he looked at her and sighed. 

“I’m not really in the mood tonight,” he said and Kathryn knew it was because everything was still too raw between them. 

“Me neither,” she admitted and it was true but she wanted to be close to him regardless, “Will you stay anyway?”

He looked at her before he offered a lopsided smile and nodded. They got ready for bed, crawled under the sheets and lay facing each other. They didn’t speak but simply looked at each other. Their unspoken affection coursing between them. Chakotay’s hand felt heavy on her waist, while hers looked tiny curled around his bicep. She moved closer to him, snuggling into his shoulder. Chakotay rested his chin on her head. Slowly, sleep overtook them but not before Chakotay placed a kiss on her forehead. With a heavy sigh, Kathryn’s last thought was that they were slowly getting back to the way things were and she was falling for him. 

A few months later, Kathryn assigned Chakotay to a two week scouting mission to find supplies. She missed him terribly. She knew the mission was important but it didn’t make their separation easier. The time apart allowed for healing and Kathryn missed his touch, his voice, everything. On days where she woke up missing him so badly she felt she couldn’t breathe, she avoided the bridge altogether. Chakotay’s empty chair on the bridge was difficult to look at. When the shuttle returned and she heard his voice over the comm, she was relieved he and the shuttle crew were safe even if she had no reason to worry. She made her way to the shuttle bay and ran into B’Elanna on the way. B’Elanna said the briefest of hellos but only had eyes for Tom. B’Elanna jumped into Tom’s arms when she saw him. Kathryn couldn’t do the same when she saw Chakotay, although she wished she could. She blushed slightly at his wide smile when he saw her. 

“Good to have you back,” she said, it was meant for the entire shuttle crew but she knew her eyes gave her away to Chakotay. 

“It’s good to be home,” Tom said over his shoulder as B’Elanna lead him away by the hand. 

Kathryn quickly pulled Chakotay away from the Doctor who arrived for a post mission physical. Kathryn practically pushed Chakotay into the lift when it arrived.

“That can wait” she said to the doctor, as the turbolift doors closed behind them. 

“Kathryn, the sonic shower in the Delta Flyer broke a few days ago. I need a shower,” warned Chakotay her. 

“There’s a shower in my quarters,” she said and pulled him down for a passionate kiss. On second thought, her quarters were much too far away and she missed him too much. 

“Computer, halt turbolift,” she said breaking off their kiss. 

As soon as she was done speaking, Chakotay dropped his bag and slammed her against the wall of the lift. His body crushed hers as Chakotay kissed her hard. Kathryn let her hands travel everywhere. She weaved her fingers in his hair, felt his strong arms and chest. God, she missed him. Kathryn’s hands slid down to his pants. She unfastened them and Chakotay eagerly did the same to hers. She was grateful for his impatience and was thrilled when he pulled her pants and panties off her in one fell swoop. 

“Hurry,” she breathed into his ear. 

Chakotay groaned as he lifted her up and pushed her up against the wall. He thrust up inside her and froze. 

“I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this,” Chakotay said, his breath ragged. 

“Me too,” said Kathryn. 

She kissed him but quickly pulled away, “Move,” she demanded and Chakotay obeyed. 

It was quick, hard and oh so hot. Not to mention naughty. They both came hard moaning into each other’s mouths. Chakotay groaned when he slipped out of her and Kathryn let her legs fall to the floor. 

Chakotay tucked himself back into this pants as Kathryn bent to retrieve her panties. She slid them up slowly and Chakotay watched her. He reached out and took over, hooking his fingers in the fabric and pulling them up. Kathryn watched him, studying how he concentrated on pulling her panties on and smoothing the fabric with his hands. He bent down and did the same with her pants. When they were securely fastened, she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. 

“Dinner, tonight,” she said. 

Chakotay smiled, “I need to shower.” 

Kathryn smirked at him, “What’s the point. You’re going to get all sweaty again anyway.”

Chakotay groaned as he straightened his uniform, “I’m afraid my manly smell may ruin our appetites if I don’t clean up soon.” 

He kissed her neck and Kathryn chuckled. 

“Fine,” she said. 

Chakotay picked up his duffel bag. 

“Computer,” said Kathryn with a quick look over at Chakotay, “Resume.” 

The turbolift started moving again, speeding along to Deck 3. 

Kathryn’s plans were cancelled due to alien influences on the crew. The imprinted memories of a war and genocide were disconcerting and it took the crew weeks to come to grips with what they experienced. It certainly had a huge impact on her. It was hard to shake off the experience and it took its toll on her and her relationship with Chakotay. She was beginning to doubt that they would make it back to Earth and because of this, she was beginning to pull away from Chakotay. Their evenings together were becoming less frequent. It wasn’t for a lack of passion. There were sparks where she felt that everything was happy and bright and there was a real possibility that they could be together but other times, she would get lost in nagging thoughts that she would never see Earth again. That she would never see her mother again. Which made Kathryn think about her own future. She mentioned to Tom Paris, a long time ago, that she always thought she would have children. The longer Voyager remained in the Delta quadrant, the more she thought she wouldn’t find the time and inclination to have a family. Kathryn wasn’t sure if she was afraid or convinced that she didn’t deserve happiness, not when Voyager was still trapped and the crew separated from their loved ones. 

When Tom and Harry introduced the Fair Haven holodeck program, Chakotay encouraged her to spend time there. At first, Kathryn was confused as to why he would make the suggestion but quickly came to the relationization that maybe Chakotay was giving her an out. An escape from their arrangement, if she could call it that. He was being a friend. Perhaps that’s what he thought she needed. She tried it and found the program hollow and unfulfilling. She wanted Chakotay, even if she couldn’t truly let herself fall for him, not while she was on Voyager, not completely and the way he deserved. So Kathryn settled for the next best thing. She altered the Michael hologram to resemble Chakotay. She hadn’t realized she’d done it until Chakotay made a surprise visit to the Fair Haven program when she was there. She could see the similarities and was embarrassed. It didn’t strike her at the time but Chakotay was jealous of the hologram. 

She and Chakotay never talked about what they had. She knew they were close, or used to be. Lately, it didn’t feel like it. They were friendly during their shifts but she didn’t reach out to him off duty and he didn’t make a move. Alone in her quarters, she thought back to New Earth or their midnight sail. She missed those moments. She didn’t eat at her dining table anymore. Her dinners with Chakotay were few and far between now and filled with unspoken feelings and unresolved desires. There were nights where she almost left her quarters and went to his but she stopped herself. He’d ask for more. They were at that point in their relationship she knew that but did she want that? Was she ready? Kathryn wasn’t sure she could justify a full fledged relationship complete with declarations of their hearts desires and plans for the future, and be captain of Voyager. Maybe without the responsibility...but that was if they ever got home.

The next thing she knew, the crew was kidnapped and forced to work in an alien power plant. Without her memories intact, she didn’t remember Chakotay and had developed deep feelings for Jaffen. She was happy with her life on Q’uarra, although there was a moment when she looked at Jaffen and expected to see more on his face and was disappointed that there wasn’t. She was clearly searching for something. When she and the rest of the crew were rescued, Kathryn could tell Chakotay was deeply hurt by her actions on Q’uarra. 

Their relationship was in shambles. They should have fought about it. Argued until their voices were hoarse and their faces red but instead Chakotay kept away. For the most part. At first, he avoided her, then suddenly, it was as if he was her friend again. It surprised her but the hope inside her grew and grew with each smile and joke. Her hope was shattered as soon as it began. Voyager was getting regular messages from home. It felt good until Chakotay inquired about a few of her letters. She didn’t lie to him. 

“They’re from Mark,” she said, setting down a tray holding her teapot and cups on her coffee table in her quarters. 

“I see,” said Chakotay. His jaw was set and he looked away. 

“It’s nice getting letters from home. I hope we continue to….” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay abruptly stood up. 

“I’m going to have to leave, goodnight Captain,” he said without looking at her. 

He made his way to the door. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn called after him but he ignored her.

Chakotay exited her quarters and Kathryn felt something break between them with the quiet swish of the doors closing behind him. Kathryn was confused more than anything else. There was nothing in her letters from Mark to cause any reaction from Chakotay. They were just letters. She thought he’d be just as pleased they were receiving word from home. It felt more like they were on a deep space mission than stranded in the Delta quadrant. Instead her small ray of happiness was met with dismissal. That hurt. 

The next couple of months were difficult. Joe Carey, an engineer and close friend of B’Elanna was killed on a mission. It was a senseless, pointless death and it affected Kathryn deeply. She went to Joe’s quarters and examined his model of Voyager. She was so angry at their whole situation. Angry she couldn’t have done more to protect her crew. Angry they were still in the Delta quadrant and angry that her relationship with Chakotay was falling apart. Chakotay checked on her as she mourned Joe in his quarters but he didn’t linger. She wished he would. She wished he would see how badly she needed him, but he seemed to have lost interest and Kathryn’s stubborn pride got in the way. She didn’t go to him either and wasn’t that part of their arrangement. She had to make the first move? 

When she felt better, she tried and invited Chakotay to lunch but he had plans already made. She smiled and agreed to a rain check. Then a whirlwind of events happened which dragged them home to the Alpha quadrant. She was relieved to be home but it came with a price. The knowledge that Chakotay was dating Seven of Nine. That hurt more than anything. It startled her at how badly it hurt. It angered her. After every evening they shared, the fact that he could toss it aside, as if it was just a way to pass the time, made her miserable. Alone in her quarters, the night before the Welcome Home celebration at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn couldn’t stop the tears anymore. She sobbed out of anger, regret, and hurt feelings. It wasn’t until her sobs subsided that she was realized she was deeply in love with her first officer. A scary, intense, passionate love with a man who knew her at her worst and at her best. 

The night of the celebration, Kathryn hid behind her captain’s persona, smiling and meeting each crew member’s families. She was truly happy for the crew but when she was standing along at the edge of the dance floor, she saw Chakotay speaking with the Doctor, with Seven on his arm. The sight sent a jolt of pain to her heart. Its intensity made her uncomfortable. She must have been staring because suddenly Chakotay’s eyes met hers. It was as if everything they shared over the years, the laughs, dinners, the sex, it all came crashing back to them, connecting them through their gaze. 

Chakotay’s smiled faded as he looked at her. Kathryn’s couldn’t stop tears from forming in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away, looking away from Chakotay and Seven. She wasn’t going to cry in front of them. She wasn’t going to get emotional in a room full of Starfleet brass and her crew. Kathryn turned on her heel and rushed out of the ballroom and into the corridor.  
She stopped halfway down the hall and leaned against the wall. Her breath hitched as tears started to fall again. She angrily brushed them away. She took several deep breaths, trying to compose herself before returning to the ballroom. 

“Kathryn,” a voice said next to her. 

“What do you want, Chakotay,” Kathryn said, brushing a tear away as she looked at him. 

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly. 

“I’m fine,” she said. 

She knew Chakotay didn’t believe her but it wasn’t his place to care anymore. When had she become so melodramatic? 

He took a step toward her. Kathryn wanted to fling her arms around him and feel his strong arms holding her but this wasn’t an overly dramatic, sappy romance holonovel. She wasn’t going to beg. 

“People who are fine, don’t usually cry,” he said. 

“I assure you…I’m..”

“Fine. I get it, Kathryn,” Chakotay said angrily. 

Kathryn looked at him, her own anger rising up in her.  
“Do you?”

Chakotay didn’t answer but glowered at her instead.

“You have it all figured out? Then perhaps you can tell me where we called it quits, because I don’t remember having that conversation,” she said. 

Chakotay stared at her in disbelief. 

“What happened to the man who came up with an ancient legend to explain he’d always be by my side. The man who kissed me during a midnight sail and said he wouldn’t have given up on me like Mark-”

“Don’t bring him up,” Chakotay spat at her. 

It was Kathryn’s turn to be confused. 

“I get it, Kathryn, you’re getting back together with your fiancé. All those messages...I get it. I knew you could never love me. I knew it was temporary. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have found that man on Q’uarra. You wouldn’t...” Chakotay said turning away from her. 

“I do,” Kathryn interrupted him. 

Chakotay turned back to face her. 

“What?” he said quietly as if unsure he heard her correctly. 

Kathryn looked at him. After a deep breath she spoke, “I do love you.” 

It felt good to say it out loud, however, Chakotay’s silence was starting to make her doubt if saying it was a good idea. He stared at her, his mouth open in disbelief.

“Say something,” Kathryn pleaded with him. She hoped it sounded level headed and calm, the opposite of what she felt. 

“I…I….” Chakotay stammered. 

Kathryn was unsure what to make of his silence. She was about to admit defeat when Chakotay suddenly moved toward her. He grabbed her and crushed her mouth under his. He kissed her passionately. Surprised, Kathryn gasped and Chakotay kissed her again. Over and over until they were both breathless. Chakotay leaned his forehead against hers, his hands dropping to her waist. 

“I’m not getting back together with Mark. He moved on and so did I,” Kathryn whispered into Chakotay’s ear. 

“What about his messages?” Chakotay said, sounding anguished. 

“They were harmless. He felt guilty for giving up. He’s been my friend since I was a child. I was just reassuring him there were no hard feelings.”

Chakotay kissed her again. Kathryn hoped it was because he was as overwhelmed by his feelings as she was but the thought of him and Seven together nagged at her. Leaving a pit in her stomach. 

“Chakotay,” she said, stroking his hair. 

“I want you. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. It’s been you for so long,” he said, his forehead resting on hers again. 

“I want you too,” Kathryn said. 

Chakotay kissed her again, pressing his body more firmly against hers.

“I don’t want this to stop. I’ve missed you so much,” Chakotay said and Kathryn could hear how anguished he was. 

She was secretly pleased that he was just as upset as she was. Chakotay kissed her again. 

With his lips touching hers he breathed, “Marry me.” 

“Yes,” Kathryn said. She could barely get the word out before he crushed her mouth in another searing kiss.  
They broke apart panting. 

“I love you,” said Kathryn. 

“I love you too,” Chakotay said. 

“I don’t want a long engagement,” said Kathryn, remembering her previous attempts at marriage. 

“I’ll marry you tonight if you want,” said Chakotay. He bowed his head, “but there’s something I need to take care of first.” 

She pulled him to her and they shared a loving embrace. 

“I really do love you,” Kathryn said, her face buried in his chest. 

“I know that now. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I’m so sorry to have hurt you, Kathryn. I’m so so sorry,” said Chakotay. 

“I know. So, am I. You’re not the only one who's at fault here.” Kathryn said, looking up into his face. 

Chakotay cupped her cheek with his hand and kissed her softly. 

“Let me talk with Seven. Then I’ll come find you,” he said. 

Kathryn nodded. 

“I hope she’ll understand,” said Kathryn. 

“She will,” Chakotay reassured her, “She’s come a long way. I’ll help her understand.” 

Chakotay kissed her forehead and let go of her.  
They walked back to the ballroom together. Chakotay left her at the entrance and went to find Seven. Kathryn watched from across the room, concerned for her protege. She watched as Chakotay pulled Seven away from the Doctor. Kathryn could tell Chakotay was gently explaining what was happening. Seven raised an eyebrow and tilted her head in a way that meant she was done with the conversation. Seven placed her hand on Chakotay’s, then turned on her heel and left. Chakotay sighed and tugged at his earlobe. Kathryn watched as Seven found Tuvok and began to speak with him. She hoped the Vulcan would be able to provide guidance and understanding. Tuvok and Seven had a unique relationship, both content on logic and science as the driving forces in their lives. It would make sense that Seven would seek him out after this situation. It wasn’t like Seven could as her for advice, after all, she was the cause of all this. Kathryn sighed and found Chakotay walking toward her.

“You okay?” He asked. 

“Fine. Just worried about Seven.”

“Give her time, she’ll seek you out again. You’re important to her,” said Chakotay.

He rubbed her back and looked at her fondly. Kathryn smiled and took his arm. 

“Now, you said something about marrying me tonight?”  
“You’re serious?”

Kathryn looked him dead in the eye, “I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”

Chakotay smiled, “We could ask Admiral Paris.”

“You gather up the senior staff and I’ll track down my mother and Admiral Paris,” said Kathryn.

“Deal.”

A few moments later, Tom, B’Elanna, Harry, the Doctor and Tuvok, along with Kathryn’s mother Gretchen and sister, Phoebe, joined them on a balcony attached to the ballroom. 

Admiral Paris stood in front of the group. Kathryn and Chakotay joined hands and in a few moments they were married. The senior staff clapped and offered congratulations. Kathryn and Chakotay shared a kiss before ushering everyone back to the party. 

“What do you say to skipping the rest of this?” Kathryn said tilting her head in the direction of the ballroom. 

“I wouldn’t mind having a party of our own,” said Chakotay. 

Later that evening, Kathryn tugged at Chakotay’s hand as she led the way to the lake. It was dark, except for the moonlight. The air was cool and crisp. After awhile, she and Chakotay were able to push off from shore in a sailboat near the Janeway family cabin at Lake George. 

“I think you’re right,” Chakotay said sitting next to her, “this is better than the holodeck program.” 

Kathryn chuckled. 

“Of course it is,” she paused, “ I didn’t think I’d get the chance to actually be here.” 

“I didn’t doubt it for a second,” said Chakotay, “I knew you’d get us home.”

Kathryn poured glasses of champagne. Chakotay took his.

“To Voyager, the Delta quadrant, Lake George,” Kathryn said waving her hand to their sailboat,” and to us.”

“To us,” Chakotay agreed. 

They toasted and sipped champagne. 

“If I remember correctly, the next move is something like this.” Said Chakotay, setting his glass on the deck of the boat and leaned over her. 

Kathryn laughed as Chakotay kissed his way up her neck. 

“You didn’t do that the last time,” she shrieked. 

Chakotay chuckled and captured her lips with is. When they broke apart, Kathryn stroked his face, fingers tracing his tattoo. 

“We’re married,” Kathryn said with wonder. 

She was so happy in that moment. It finally felt as if her life was falling back into place. She reflected back on everything that happened. She began her journey engaged to one man and ended it married to someone completely different. She smiled. Her relationship was unconventional. At the beginning it was certainly not something she would have expected to end in marriage, but now it felt right. It felt as if there were no other possible choice to be made. The two of them were opposites, made to work together. 

“I love you,” sighed Kathryn. 

“I love you too,” said Chakotay. 

He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. They shared a smile. 

“You’re stuck with me forever now,” he teased, beaming at her.

Kathryn laughed, “Good.”

The rest of the evening was filled with laughter as Captain and Commander shared a midnight sail on Lake George celebrating their new life together.


End file.
